To Sum Up… An Examination Of Conscience At The End Of 2020

Illustration by Amy Kurzweil

In less than three weeks 2020 is coming to an end. The longest yet shortest year of our lives. Completely and utterly legendary. Paradoxical in all ways possible. At the end of all this, I wanted to make an “examination of conscience”, which I am sharing here, in hopes that we all stop for a moment and evaluate our own experience of this year. I have split it into parts symbolizing the different stages of the year. Although, I should mention, before the growth stage happened, I needed to go through all five stages of grief: 

1.     Denial - “No, this is not serious, it’s just like the flu”

2.     Anger - “What am I supposed to do? Why is this happening to our generation?”

3.     Bargaining - “Maybe if we just wear a mask for two weeks it’s gonna go away”

4.     Depression - “If I stay at home for one more week I’m gonna get a mental breakdown, why is no one wearing a mask?”

5.     Acceptance - “There’s nothing to do at this point, but wait”

I needed this in order to really move on, and realize that my life this year isn’t over. To recognize the opportunities that were right in front of me, ready to be explored. Because partially it was grief. Grief over our old lives, our plans, our dreams, our habits, often the things that made us relaxed and happy. Grief and fear of what’s next and how to cope. 

Illustration by Elisabeth McNair

I wrote two article this year for the BOCCONI section of the B&A blog: the first one was about mental health  and dealing with loneliness during the pandemic, and the second one was about unexpected paths we find in our lives. I stand by them both; I come back to them and draw from them almost every day. Something I still want to stress the most is that I still don’t think this year should ever be made into a productivity contest, all of us had different reactions to what happened, all of us were overwhelmed at one point or another, some of us had issues coping and functioning, and some of us lost loved ones. No experience is comparable. While my journey  might have been mostly positive (apart from my panic moments), I fully understand that that was completely not what other people have been through. 

1. Unprepared

When the year started so many of us said, 2019 was meh, this year will be my year and believe me I said the same. I was set to explore my career perspectives, try different fields of work in culture, art and film. We began making plans which we never knew were going to be altered. We had no idea that there could be a different life. Having said all that, there was something in the air for the past few years, which had the world heading for a bad direction, political polarization, climate change, etc. I am weary of theories telling us that that was meant to happen in order to make the world understand that we made the wrong turn when growing our civilization, but my personal question was: Where did the morality go? Where did the humanity go? Where did the kindness go? We seemed to be so caught up in everything that lying and toxicity took over, and being decent and human got lost somewhere down the line. This year has been a huge lesson in empathy and goodwill and it’s one of the things that I am grateful for. 

Illustration by Victor Varnado

2. Breakdown

I don’t think anyone expected the pandemic to get so out of hand, none of us expected to be “stuck” for so long. Before the pandemic, I used to travelled twice a month. I fought with my instincts for as long as I would, but I had reached a point where I needed to accept that I have to say goodbye to my old life for some time. I had to realize that this is not a joke, that I can’t be selfish anymore. That was my breakdown. I think this was when my acceptance stage kicked in and it was important because only when I stopped trying to get my old life back I could start to build something new. 

 3. Better Together

We’ve reached “that” point. After years of living alone, I was stuck in a small space with my family and a foster dog. We can all admit, not the perfect situation. What I have come to realize though, is that for the first time in three years I was able to actually take my time and actually be with my loved ones. I didn’t have to rush. I had all the conversations I never found time for with my grandparents, I cooked with my mom, and took walks with my dad. Even though there were difficult moments, it has been one of the most valuable experiences of my life and something we often take for granted. 

Illustration by Brooke Bourgeois

4. Exploration

Mandatory confinement, self-isolation, sometimes felt like desertion and exile. Having to deal and confront ourselves and the real state of our mental health, every damn day. There were many ways to go: people went into overdrive, suddenly becoming super productive, taking courses, working out, dieting, reading, etc. Some of us shut down and needed to unwind, feel as if they don’t need to do anything. Many of us lost job opportunities, deferred university decisions, some of us didn’t move to cities or countries we were supposed to. We’ve lost so much, but hopefully we’ve managed to self-examine at least a little, as it was probably the only mandatory self-reflection time we will get for a while. We have been given the chance to ask ourselves: Who do we want to be? What do we want to do?, and confront it every day. A task which is far from easy. 

 What surprised me most about the realization that this year is going to end, is that I’m not ready for it. It seemed to go on forever and yet, there’s beauty in chaos. Or perhaps deep down, we’re just scared that next year might be worse (oops). Maybe we are scared that we are not gonna have a year like this again, there is a part that got attached to this new normal. We have become scared of closeness, of intimacy; we were kept at distance and there is no way that didn’t influence our psychological reaction to being together. While the truth is that we will be able to hug each other again, I’m wondering how long it will take me to get used to the fact that being close is normal, human and needed. I’m still at a point where, when I see a group film scene, I cringe at how many people there are in the room.            

 In the end, it turned out to be one of the most revolutionary years of my life. A year that taught me the most about myself, who I am, who I want to be. A year that taught me about friendships and allowed me to remove fake and toxic people out of my life. It motivated me to spend time with my family, my loved ones, to really give them the attention I otherwise couldn’t have given, because I would be off somewhere, chasing something. It forced me to confront what I really want to do in life. For all the above I am grateful. What I can hope and wish for is that everybody asks themselves these questions: What has this year given you?  What has it taken away from you? How do you want to continue? What are you grateful for?