The Road To Finding Your Individuality And Accepting It
Illustration by @hillergoodspeed
What has 2020 done for me? This was the one question I kept contemplating on the evening of the 31st of December, while dreading the clock striking twelve and the new year unfolding without me answering this simple yet so heavy-weighing question. Last year surely was not my brightest, actually, it wasn’t anyone’s brightest. I think it was the year that held some of my saddest and, strangely enough, some of my happiest moments of life so far. It was a year that helped me question who I was, I guess the hours of self-isolation did the trick.
I have always been a great fan of art, I love extra chic and preppy fashion, I enjoy math and finance but at the same time I love painting and music. I always felt like there was this huge battle inside of me, I was not artsy enough to be one of the art kids that portray this with all their aura: the style, the Instagram, the trips they take and the people they spend time with. I never felt “financy” enough either, I am chaotic, I am in not one finance society, I do not read The Financial Times every day and no I have not invested my money yet either. So, in which category do I fit and am I the only one who still feels like they just don’t seem to fit somewhere?
So, when the question what has 2020 done for me came up, I slowly realized: I’m happy and comfortable with who I am–finally again. I think all of us have the struggle to identify ourselves with only one category, and to truly and deeply understand who we are, there will always be new and different sides to explore. I can only explain my journey to self-realization and what helped me understand who I am, and that sometimes being a hot mess, as one of my favourite high-school teachers would call me, is kind of needed to be you. So here my journey to self-realization and the five stages it entails, enjoy.
Understand You’re Struggling
First things first, understanding I wasn’t totally 100% comfortable with who I was was quite important to me. Throughout my life, I have gone through several phases. In one phase I would be super artsy; wearing oversized hoodies, sharp sunglasses and some trendy sneakers. In other phases, I was super chic wearing long silk coats with over-the-knee’s, and would only concentrate on finance. I felt like I never could mix my two main passions…In high-school, I used to be super free spirited and loud, probably very annoying, but I felt comfortable. And now I wonder, what changed now that I am in university? I guess my passions collided, and I thought moving on from what I used to like was the “grown-up thing to do”. But it’s not. I realized that I was struggling by trying to limit myself to just one category, and that was something that I needed to change.
Illustration by @hillergoodspeed
Take The Time You Need
I think I was lost entering 2020. I felt like a fish in a swarm just moving with the current. So what has this crazy year done to help my process? When I first arrived at home in March, I was in a bad mood 24/7 and my parents still make jokes that I am only allowed to re-enter our sacred home if I’m no longer a grumpy potato. I was a mess. I had zero motivation and did not do anything productive for an entire month. But then, after my parents literally had to shake some sense into me, I did something a bit out of my comfort zone: I spent all my money in art supplies. I started painting again every evening while listening to The Financial Times or watching Criminal Minds. I studied finance during the day and at night I was a real-life Picasso (at least in my head). I finally made time again for both my passions and for the first time in a while, I felt like myself again. I think it’s so essential to find time for yourself, to not be in a rush 24/7 and not make plans all the time. In the past three years, I was always looking for the next goal to achieve. I like moving through life fast and being ambitious, but even I had to realize at some point that it was not healthy anymore. I had to slow down.
Find Time For All Of Your Interests
This quarantine taught me that I must start making time for all my façades and hobbies. I think you can never be truly happy if you limit yourself too one “category”. I definitely was not. Therefore, finding time to enjoy all of your hobbies is the key and yes, it is so extremely hard to do. Once I came back to Milan, I struggled finding a balance. But luckily enough, I managed to squeeze everything in. I can now paint, do collages, even make my own jewellery, I sometimes cook for a whole day, build Legos, read economic books, and even listen to The Financial Times briefing. I do all of it and it works! I noticed that it wasn’t society’s fault that I felt like I did not fit anywhere, although I still believe social norms create social groups. It was my own fault, I had been so focused on everything around me not realizing that it was me who thought I should only be one type of way, and by not making time for what I absolutely love, I became uncomfortable with myself. So basically, to sum up, making time is essential.
Illustration by @hillergoodspeed